I prefer a kiss!

Since the appearance of new age diseases like SARS, Bird flu and swine flu etc..., the world has gone a bit “sanitary”. The Orientals with their face masks and the rest of us with the anti-bacterial hand gel (both meagre efforts if you ask me).

Where there’s a disease, there’s an opportunity
Pharmacies everywhere stocked up on the “miracle” gel, a lot of people came down with the flu (the regular kind, the other two are medical myths – I reckon), sequestrated themselves at home, consumed ungodly amounts of paracetamol and other pharmaceutical products with different names but same ingredients, employers lost colossal amounts in sick leaves and in health and safety compliance procedures etc…my company supplied us with tubs of 500ml Alcohol Hand sanitizers per desk, installed all sorts of hygienic tools in bathrooms and kitchen and provided free flu jabs to all employees costing further thousands of pounds, but you no amount of anti-bacterial can prevent imaginary flu or man flu for that matter!

All this because people insist on shaking hands! I was never a big fan of hand shaking;
As one of the oldest greeting rituals ever to exist, it has many meanings and benefits, is a universally used and recognised gesture, I always wondered if the Orientals had it right all along with the slight bow form of greeting, requiring minimum effort or manigance, hypocrisy or calculation of hand firmness or required pressure to crash someone’s hand, or leaving an impression, we are always taught to give a firm handshake and make eye contact but never told to wash your hands afterwards! surely they go hand in hand - pun intended.
I wonder do all these people not realise it's the perfect way to spread germs? Almost as bad as sex.

Hera and Athena handshaking, late 5th century BC
To think it was women who started this!!

If we found ways of protection against sexually transmitted diseases, how come we cannot abolish the handshake!
Coming from a Mediterranean culture where we give and receive between 2 and 4 kisses on the cheeks, and men shake hands (and kiss on the cheek) on a daily basis (after shaking hands they lightly touch their right fist to their heart, a ritual I find endearing and also very revealing when playing “spot the Algerian abroad”), you wonder, how many hands does an average man shake per average day?
How many germs are exchanged through these handshakes?
And can you safely say where their hands have been?
I can: scratching their private parts or someone else's , no doubt.

President Obama bowing to the Emperor of Japan
Shaking hands and bowing a the same time! where is the sense in that!

When I moved to England I enjoyed the difference in greetings, although not hugely disparate, men still shake hands and kiss (only women) on the cheek, it remains much less passionate, frequent or as warm as our Mediterranean greeting, but not as hypocritical or forced by tradition.  Personally a nod or a peck on the cheek would suffice in fact if not preferred, I always think kissing a cheek is more hygienic.
Now at the risk of sounding dolally, I came up with a list of things to keep in mind:

- Upon meeting someone for the first time, unless he or she is an interviewer/candidate, try not to extend your hand for a shake unless you have to.
- Quickly nod and say hello without moving your upper body, your body language will quickly inform your interlocutor that you're not up for a handshake and you can swiftly move on to how are you's?
- DO NOT kiss on the cheek AND shake hands at the same time - that's just ridiculous and excessive body contact.
- DO remain polite and discreet when pulling out your anti-bacterial gel to smear over your hands.
- Try not to make grossed out faces when you're applying the hand gel.
- Excuse yourself and walk slowly to the bathroom, do not run, the soap will still be there.
- DO NOT offer the anti-bacterial gel to the person you just shook hands with, that's just rude, but can be a funny and effective way of getting the message across.
- If you have to shake hands, at least make it a memorable gesture, make it firm but gentle, no need to crash my hand or give me a limp, wet handshake with the fingers rather than the whole hand, this makes me gag and loose all respect.
- And finally - if you insist on shaking people's hands, Please try to keep your hands clean for god's sake.


And now going back to the Pharmaceuticals mafia; Pharmaceuticals can be summed up in one sentence, I will quote my favourite from the movie Cold Mountain “They made the weather and then they stand in the rain and say 'Shit, it's raining’” except it never rains on them as they already have the cure and they don't have to pay for it.

In conclusion, you either wash your hands or you stop shaking peoples hands and spearing your germs.

If you think I am off with the ferries, then I'll be pleased to tell you I am not the only one...take a look here even the British Olympic board attempted to ban handshakes, also look here and here!

Dz-chick…prefers a firm golden handshake….anyday!