Beware of the Tourist

Bank Holiday May is all about rain, umbrellas, sleeping in, and the hope that the trains will be quiet since Londoners are all in Marbella (I don't think so), St Tropez and Devon, but you forget about the flocks of tourists who flood through Heathrow, talking loudly on the train in foreign languages (the langauge part I actually enjoy), blocking the doors, distracting you from the plot of your book and intriguing you with their particular sense of fashion and hair colours!

If like me, you are not going away this weekend, stay away form the following places;

Knightsbridge (at least until 9pm), Hyde Park is a safe place as long as you stay away from the serpentine, Piccadilly is a no go area, Oxford street is forbidden for any proud Londoner, don’t be seen wearing a double denim number walking down China town either, if you have been misguided and end up in any of the places cited above, take care, carry an umbrella, walk at a fast pace, do give dirty looks to any tourist approaching with a map, cross the road if you see herds of Italian or Spanish students on a “spring break” sporting base camp Everest gear, it is London not the Himalayas.

East London is safe for Londoners, South Bank is at your own peril, tourists with large backpacks, who think live statues are AWESOME, take several pictures and then bugger off without paying...I don’t much care for cheap tourists.

These same tourists who get on the tube with their backpacks and fidget like a goat in heat, giving you blood pressure and a few bruises, later on at the station exit, they will stand at the barrier holding their paper tickets and deciding amongst themselves which way it should go and then wait until the barrier is closed to slide the ticket in the machine, BEEEEEP, seek assistance, Oh my god, I think I am going to die!

You think Boris bikes are a local thing, think again, all the tourists are on the know now, there isn’t one bike free in the whole of West London, the only thing that gives me some atonement is the fact they all think it costs a £1 for the whole day, so they keep it with them, only to find the bill from Boris when they get home.

If by miracle, it doesn’t rain this weekend (it will rain of course), but if it doesn’t and you are in the park sunning yourself, you can play “spot the American”, some massive generalisations pointers;
The khaki explorer outfit consisting of the shorts and matching tucked in shirt, did you come to eat steak or excavate in Trafalgar square?, white running shoes with white socks, or the couple with matching rain jackets, and a big a*s SLR camera dangling on their supersized guts.

If like me you can’t take the pressure and you understand that London needs its tourists (not the cheap ones) and because of the obligatory tolerance we Londoners have to show, I prefer to stay at home, of course if you do go away this weekend, feel free to subject the locals to the same touristic stereotypical behaviours they so kindly bestow upon us.